Some life lessons come easily. They blow into our days like a tender breeze. Others come less gently—like getting run over by a steamroller. They beat us and pound us and come hard as God molds us into His image. I wish I could say all the lessons the Lord has taught me have been like a gentle breeze, but they haven’t. For example, when it comes to dealing with relational conflict, a steamroller more accurately describes my experience.

As a peace-making middle kid, my mantra until I was twenty-five years old was, “Why can’t we all just get along?” I couldn’t understand why things had to be so hard between people. Why couldn’t we all just hug, love each other, hold hands, and sing kumbaya? I thought, I like people, why don’t they always like me? As life progressed, the harsh reality hit me that not everyone was going to accept me, love me, or like me, and there would even be times when others were just plain mean.

All of this brings up a couple questions: What should a Christian do when others wrong them? What do we do when relational conflict comes knocking on our life’s door? And, what do we do when someone doesn’t want to make peace in spite of all of our sincere, godly attempts at reconciliation?

Here are a few lessons I learned in response to these questions by steamroller method only after I had shed a few million tears. I am thankful that Christ is a patient and a very loving teacher.

1) Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This scripture reminds us that sometimes it’s just not possible to live at peace with others. The important thing is that you do your part, and leave the rest to God.

2) Because there are times when it’s not possible to live at peace with others, there will be times when your relational knots stay knotted. At these times, closure is a gift you give to yourself with help from the Holy Spirit. You don’t need one more conversation, or one more last word with the other person to be at peace with yourself. You cannot force them to talk or reconcile. There are times when the only thing you can do is pray, leave the results to God, and accept the silence.

3) If someone doesn’t want to make peace with you, it’s their issue, not yours. If you have humbly asked forgiveness if you have sinned against the other party or wronged them, if you have done what you can to follow Scriptural guidelines for relational healing and reconciliation, and the other party still doesn’t want to make peace, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person and deserve to be punished. Stop beating yourself up.

4) Some people will love you and accept you. Some won’t. It’s a part of life. Accept it. Do your best to love, but when others don’t love or accept you, focus your energies on the people God has given you who are a positive and godly influence.

5) When rejection happens–which it will–keep your heart free from bitterness and keep forgiving so that you can continue to love well in the future, and so your relationships won’t suffer. Remember that a bitter heart will only hurt you. In fact, it will poison your future relationships because it “defiles many” (See Hebrews 12:15).

6) Finally, pray for those who have hurt you and ask God to bless them (Matthew 5:44).

I am confident that if you keep these principles in mind the next time you have a relational conflict, you will experience greater peace.

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