Sometimes the hardest thing God asks us to surrender is something we once would have gladly left behind.

In 2010, I read Tramp for the Lord by Corrie ten Boom. One account stayed with me: a single missionary who left her home and possessions to serve in China. Her greatest fear was becoming a grain of wheat unwilling to die.

I could not shake that thought.

As I prayed, I sensed the Lord asking me to release my home and possessions and travel around the country, speaking to groups without charge.

Years earlier, I would have welcomed the adventure. In my twenties and thirties, I had moved to London for college, spent a year teaching English in Germany, and driven alone across the country to accept a teaching job in Houston. I knew what it meant to leave familiar things behind. I had trusted God with unanswered questions and watched Him provide.

But at forty-two, I wanted to stay.

I loved having a place to come home to. I liked knowing where I would sleep and how the bills would be paid. The thought of packing everything up no longer filled me with excitement. It made me think about everything I could lose.

And admitting that was painful.

How could I remember His faithfulness so clearly and still struggle to trust Him now?

I called a friend and poured out my concerns. How would I pay for flights, lodging, books, and meals? Who would travel with me?

She gently reminded me that the God who had provided before could provide again.

I knew she was right. Yet underneath my questions about money was something harder to say: Lord, I don’t want to do this.

On September 10, 2010, I wrote in my journal:

Lord, in the past you taught me how to live by faith. I jumped out there even when I didn’t know how you would catch me. Now you are telling me that this season is about lordship, about learning to follow you, even though I don’t want to.

There it was—the struggle I could no longer hide behind practical concerns.

Would I follow Jesus when I could not find any enthusiasm for the next step? Could I offer Him an honest, trembling yes?

As I read Philippians 3:7–8, Paul’s willingness to count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ searched my heart. Jesus was precious to me. But I was discovering how tightly I held the life I had arranged around myself.

Comfort was a gift I enjoyed. Now I had to decide whether I would let it determine how far I would follow Him.

So I said yes.

I had enough money to begin the trip. I did not know how I would pay for the whole journey or make it home. My decision did not answer every question. It simply placed those questions in God’s hands.

One evening, friends came by to visit and collect some of the things I was giving away. One asked whether God had replaced what I had lost during an earlier move—whether He had given me an “upgrade.”

Looking back, I could see that He had provided abundantly.

This time, He provided again. He carried me from Colorado to California, Idaho, Wyoming, Tennessee, and home. There was enough for the journey.

But the gift I treasure most was what happened in my heart.

My faith grew as I followed Him. I experienced the fulfillment of doing what He had asked, even though obedience had begun with reluctance. The possessions I released could never have given me that.

Jesus taught that a grain of wheat must fall into the earth and die before it bears fruit. I had wanted the fruit while keeping my life safely in my own hands. He invited me to trust Him with the seed.

Your next step may look nothing like mine. Perhaps there is a familiar place, a cherished plan, or an expectation you are struggling to release. Perhaps your most honest prayer right now is, Lord, I want to want what You want.

You can begin there.

Bring Him the reluctance. Tell Him what you are afraid of losing. Remember the ways He has already carried you, and ask for grace to take the next faithful step.

A trembling yes can still be a sincere yes.

Prayer

Lord Jesus, You know how tightly I hold the things that help me feel secure. Thank You for letting me come to You honestly, even when I am reluctant and afraid. Help me recognize Your leading and trust Your care. Give me grace to release what You ask me to release and courage to follow where You lead. Let my life bear fruit that brings You glory. Amen.

For reflection: What am I holding so tightly that it is becoming difficult to follow Jesus?

Additional Resources

You only have one life to live. Live the life you were born to live!   The Blueprint for Life study contains a easy-to-use workbook and ten messages featuring Andy Stanley, Louie Giglio, Tony Evans, John Maxwell and others. Now available for digital download.  Click here to check it out!