Today’s message by Susan Mathis will give you tools to keep intimacy alive in your relationship. She and her husband, Dale, have a passion to help couples develop healthier marriages.

Dale and I recently went to Jimmy Evan’s marriage seminar, and though we have written books on marriage, even teach on marriage, we found it a valuable time of refreshing and inspiration. And though communicating is what I do day in and day out, I thought I’d share a fresh way to remember the elements of communication that might help all of us as we talk to the ones we love.

Tone. Time. Trust. Truth. Teamwork. Thanks, Jimmy, for the 5 T’s of talking.

Tone matters. It’s not only in the way you say things, in the tone of your voice,  but it’s also in the tone of your body, your body language. You can say “sure” in all kinds of different ways. With gratitude, anger, sarcasm, smugness, etc. And your body can have a “tone” of acceptance, defiance, frustration, rejection, and more. Be conscious of the tone of your voice and your body to make sure it conveys love and care, even when your emotions say otherwise.

Time matters. When you have no margin in your lives to just talk, then communication becomes stilted, scattered, and stifled. In this crazy world of busyness, you simply have to schedule time to talk. Be intentional about it, and revisit your schedule when it slides because it will. Even if you only make 10-15 minutes a day a scheduled, intentional time to talk intimately with your mate, it’s likely more than most couples get, and it’ll strengthen your marriage. It may take turning off the TV, phone, computer, etc., for a certain amount of time, but it’s well worth it. And then, annually or semi-annually, get away and intentionally talk about your hopes, dreams, and desires spiritually and relationally.

Trust matters. You’ve got to build it into your marriage, and you have to keep it strong. And when you fail, you’ve got to rebuild it carefully. But how do you do that? Be faithful, servant-hearted, humble, and empathetic. Be caring, affirming, and attentive. Be approachable, responsible, gracious, and forgiving, Always keep your mate’s private thoughts, dreams, and ideas private—never use your marital secrets to embarrass, punish, or intimidate. Sounds hard? Not really. All this looks a lot like l-o-v-e.

Truth matters. Of course we don’t want to be untruthful, dishonest, or liars. But many times, our truth is simply our opinion, our perspective, our bias. We need to build honesty into our relationship with big doses of grace, love, and humility. And we must speak the truth—in love—as Ephesian 4 commands us. And at all cost, avoid blaming and accusing one another.

Teamwork matters. Build a team spirit. You are two against the world, and as you work together as a team—in whatever you do—your communication will blossom. Accept the differences that you have, even celebrate them, for they are what creates the team that you are.

So take time to talk truthfully, trusting one another, as a team and with a kind tone. Your communication will become more loving, caring, and considerate if you do.

How do you find time to talk?

Additional Resources

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